I don't wanna try to fight this love...
How dangerous could it be.
I know the odds are so unfavorable,
And honesty's forsakable...
So many run for safety.
Run from the...
Danger of falling in love like this,
Danger of falling apart...
In the hands of another.
Danger in falling in love like this,
Cold sweat craving the dark...
So completely,
So sweetly.
Danger.

Requiem in G minor
Thursday, March 2, 2006 12:19 p.m. During my last casting, I promised my beloved thoughtcast that I shall not leave her. I broke that promise, but only momentarily. Now I return to her wings, covered once again with her soft pinions. I met an interesting fellow recently... one who is devoid of courage to face against life's many adversaries, and I am daunted by the task of restoring this person's love of life. For once, I was like that person, lost and weary... and I shall not let anyone be like that ever again. That person is a friend, and I bite the hands that hurt my friends and I make them bleed. Never again shall the cruel hand of life whip those I hold dear ever again. Never again.

A memory risen amongst thine ashes...
Wednesday, June 15, 2005, 10:12 a.m. 'Tis good to be back to my old journal. Only a few people read this blog of mine, and so here I am safe. 'Tis my sanctuary, and I claim safety in it's wings. Ah, my beloved thoughtcast, how I have missed thee! I shall never leave thee again, my love... A lot of things have happened recently, most of them unexpected. Being a firm believer of the chaos theory, I know that nothing in this life is absolute, and so the events that have transpired last weekend are pretty much random. Memories I have thought dead and long gone are returning to haunt thine existence. A game that I played four years ago called me once again last saturday to play it like I have never played it before. I was a God, a deity, as I moved to the melodies that stirred my mind like a spoon in a glass of sweet orange juice. The veterans that I have worshipped four years ago were actually telling me that I have the potential, the gift, the soul required for the toughest of challenges: to be like my mentor, the mysterious man who taught me that same gamne four years ago. His name I shall never know, but I was surprised to learn that he was a legend amongst them. They recognized his teachings in me as they watched me move to the beats of "Acid Pop", one of the melodies in that particular game. Lately, I have been feeling depressed over the fact that poetry and dark romance is dead in the world of Deviant Art. I have opened my new account, and so far only a few people seem to appreciate poetry without visual aids. Why must everything be through drawn art? Why can't people love the sweet escape of every word as they mention each verse in my poems? Nevertheless, I still continued in posting. The band called Alamid, the same band who sang "Your Love", actually reads my poems, and has asked me if they could use some poems of mine for their new album. I felt the blood rush up to my cheeks as they said those words. Of course, I shall say yes, for what imbecil shall say no? At least, I shall be able to hear my words sung with melodies to move this dark heart. To top everything off, a familiar vision greeted me last Saturday. A vision that has caused endless turmoil in this heart of mine, with her playful words and enigmatic eyes. Why can't I read yon thoughts? Although she pains me every second, every thought of her that passes through my mind, I relish it for it is sweet torment and blissful distress that I feel. And so, I end these words and I part with thee, my beloved thoughtcast. Stay safe and well till I return.

Rebirth amidst the flames...
Monday, February 14, 2005, 11:20 a.m. Well, here I am, back in my old journal... personally, I don't know why... I just felt like updating it again... As for my life, well, I have a job now, and my wings are currently clipped. Oh how I yearn to cosplay once again... More to come soon... I can't really think of anything to say right now.

A marionette without strings...
Friday, November 19, 2004, 04:16 p.m. Finally, I have broken all ties with the fears that I keep inside... the fears that bound me to this sallow existence that holds me down and prevents me from moving forward. Yes, I have finally broken free from those rumours that destroys my reputation, and from those people who aim to destroy it. After the Ongaku Rave, and that fateful incident that occured that night, I discovered many things about the people around me. That things aren't always what they seem to be, and even your closest friend or mentor may be your most bitter enemy. To those who understand, you know of whom I speak of. I hope things will be for the better soon... but for now, I am thankful that I know where I stand. This Saturday, justice will be served to those who deserve it, so be ready.

For the love of dissonance and everything else
Wednesday, November 10, 2004, 07:14 p.m. Damn, Shiver gig's this Saturday, and I still haven't practiced properly for it. I have to get that Master of puppets song just right, to save myself from utter humiliation... Nevertheless, Shiver rocks. Playing with them is such a privilege, for what other band can you find that can play a whole medley of Guilty Gear XX sounds? Still in the dark, Holy Orders and Blue Water Blue Sky... God, they rock. Till next time... hope I survive this ordeal of mine...

Deluded Mentality
Saturday, October 9, 2004, 11:12 p.m. I feel like an idiot... falling for fate's trick again. And I am afraid that this time, I will not survive it's joke... and now, I am a rag doll, thrown on the walls of solitude... left alone in my dark little corner... to wallow in my pain... for I have lost her forever... and there is nothing I can do to win her back... for no one cares for one such as I...

Step into the fray
Monday, October 4, 2004, 12:22 p.m. Ah yes, Juno is here, and it has beckoned to us all. I myself shall heed the call, and rise up to it's dark challenge. Many gods are we to fight, but we are not alone... definitely not alone... although my heart bleeds for the one that will not.

Prevailing Inferiority
Sunday, October 3, 2004, 04:23 p.m. Damn, Friday was awesome. It's true that things are never what we expect, and Friday was the best surprise I ever got from this sick little existence of mine. Anways, I'm still silent in my thoughts about a certain someone... I wonder when will she notice? No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get myself to tell her the truth. Words haunt me, such as the famous pretense... "The Truth Shall Set Thee Free..."

Synchronized Schizophrenia
Saturday, September 4, 2004, 10:50 p.m. Whoa, stressful week. Lucky today was a very uplifting and good day, except for a few instances where (I think) I said a few words to a close and dear friend of mine that made her cry... Why is it, that even if you curb your curse, it keeps acting on it's own? Nevertheless, I spoke with Man Rui this evening, and I'm happy to say that I will recover from this condition of delusional wanderlusting. Thank you Man Rui. I dream of a future with you in it. You are too valuable to let go...

Dark Confession
Tuesday, August 31, 2004, 01:57 p.m. Last night, and the night before, I read a story which leaves me now in confusion and despair. Confusion, for it wrought thoughts in my mind, parallel and conflicting, against all morals that held me together and kept me alive, although miserable. Despair, for I feel that after reading it, fate has sent me another blade to pierce my already wounded soul, to pay for my sins, by torturing me once again, like it has done so many times over. For those who know me, you know what I mean by these ramblings. I have commited another grievious crime, and is now paying for it. I should never have read that story. So enchanting, alluring, beautiful... and yet haunts me once again of things that were before. Two acts of injustice have been commited last night, and two separate punishments have been enforced. The crime was falling madly in love with the story itself. Sure, most may say that it's just another story made by some disturbed or lost individual trying to find an outlet in her already complicated life. But for me, each word was like a sharp dagger piercing my heart, each sentence a sword slashing my soul, and I both love and hate the feeling. It's like it's driving me to the brink of insanity, with each passing paragraph, and yet relishing the pain that I endure as well. I want to stop reading, but my other self won't let me stop, thrusting a dull blade into my wounded heart every time I paused to read each word. I know that I have promised myself that I shall never fall in love with any works other than my own again, in fear of repeating history and burning another innocent soul in the process. But I cannot help myself, for I myself is helpless, every time I try. The sin, however, is far more worse than the crime, which leaves no solace for me, for the crime can be easily forgotten and diluted in the waters of forgetfulness, although it stains my soul like blood of one who has killed and would not be allowed to forget. The sin is the worst thing I have ever done, worse than everything that I have comitted, for it is a sin against myself. I myself am not a man of religion, for I find religion for those who are weak to believe in themselves, needing a God to fulfill their every need, to comfort them in their time of despair. Hence, I commit this sin to myself, and I have only myself to blame. The sin is falling in love with the one who wrote the story. And I know that by commiting this grievious act, there is no turning back. Once again, I burn in the pyres of my own emptiness, burdened with the knowledge that I can never be hers. But the strange part is, I am willing to burn, to die, to disappear, for one who wrote a simple tale, of love lost and never found, of a soul of evil capable of loving someone so pure. For I see my world in her tale, and I see my dark soul in her eyes. 'Tis a pity, for she can never find any in mine, for my eyes are as dark as my heart, and most are lost in my gaze. I am as empty as the soul of the one in her story, and that emptiness cannot be filled again. That is my crime, and that is my sin. Hence, I give my confession to her.

Up to the challenge
Tuesday, July 27, 2004, 09:37 p.m. Today, I have made some pivotal decisions that will affect my future. The revolution is coming, and I intend to be on the right side when it does. Mustering enough forces and carrying out my goal is my target, and I must accomplish it before September. I hope I won't be too late... and I hope I can do it by myself, all alone... to stand tall and shake the heavens, to fight an enemy as strong as a God. I won't spend the rest of my life as nothing, and that's a promise to myself I intend to keep.

Black Cat
Monday, July 26, 2004, 08:17 p.m. Yesterday, a stroke of bad luck came my way, or so I thought. While I was playing Ragnarok in a computer shop somewhere in Recto, their DSL decided to crash down on us, hence stopping my current level spree. Having no options left, I decided to stay outside instead to get some fresh air, whilst letting one of my friends take the conn for a while. While me and my friends were talking, we noticed this certain girl that passed by, which reminded me of my past so vividly. She was like an omen, a calling for me to return to what I once was. Surely enough for all of you who knows me very well, she was a Goth-type girl. Full black, eye shadow and a mysterious smile, the one that stops you in your tracks once you gaze upon it. My friends started teasing me, since they know I fancy such ladies. Of course I feigned denial, but I could'nt help staring at her. There was something oddly familiar about her, as if I've known her before. She was like a Raven, a dark, sleek winged hunter, walking with an aura of mystery, smiling as if stalking her prey. It was as if a black cat passed my way, beckoning me to step across the line, to return to what I once was, a black cat as well. I just can't stop thinking about her, and that's the odd thing about it. What is it with this veiled lady that haunts me so much? Should I answer to her call, and return to what was then? Perhaps it is so, and that we can never avoid our past, no matter how hard we try. And strangely but surely, I dreamt of a black cat last night, walking in the shadows, staring at me like a death omen. But strangely as I gazed upon it's feline face, I noticed that it has the most peculiar eyes you'd ever see... human eyes, if you will... black, dark pupils, and as the reality hit me, I realized it was my eyes, and I was looking at Edge himself, smiling as if to say, "Hizashiburi-ne".

How soon is now?
Thursday, July 22, 2004,01:53 p.m. Last Sunday, I had a revelating conversation with Chii. Finally, I was able to tell her everything about what I really feel about Raine, my problems, my anxieties, and the fear of admitting that I am alone, that my life is falling apart, and that I just don't want to admit that it's all over. Is it worth it to go on living, knowing that no one cares if you existed or not? I tried my best not to notice this, but a day with me is'nt your average day. My life is'nt for the faint of heart. Sometimes I feel like my fire's about to burn out, and one day I'm just going to fall, and everything will end just like that. There are times that I feel like I'm not in control of my life, like everything's going automatic, going haywire. I have no control over it all, and that's the part I hate the most. Worst of it all is, the more I try to change for the better, the more my past haunts me. Sometimes when I think about it all, it sucks so much that I end up actually laughing about it, since it's so absurd and unreal. It's like I'm trying so very hard to fight a losing battle... no job, no school, no one cares if I disappear, and the worst part of it is, I'm always at the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm starting to feel like my Trinity High School self again: Edge, the Black Cat, bringing bad luck wherever I pass, but never having enough luck to escape this absurd existence of mine. I'll be damned if I stop now, but soon enough, I'll burn out and lose my will to live, and I'll just disappear, without even leaving my mark in this reality. I wonder if anyone will remember? Actually the question should be, I wonder how people will remember me if the time comes. Me as Edge, the bringer of bad luck, or as Shin, who's anything but ordinary? Heh, sometimes I find this reality surreal, since I can't begin to understand how I survived this long. I just hope someone wakes me up from this nightmare... someone, or anyone... I can only hang on for so long... my body is worn-out, my mind is tired, and my spirit is dying... I hope I can find someone who can reach and pull me out, before that day comes... I've fought too long, too hard, to give up this easily. I can't fight this war all alone anymore. Chii, tasukete... onegai... this stray dog is tired, cold and lonely out in the rain. There can never be enough words to say how I feel right now. I just hope someone get here in time, before it's too late. Oi, I'm starting to sound like a broken record. ^_^x But that's the reality of it all. I just won't choose to accept it. Chii... hayaku... tasukete... onegai...

Revelry
Friday, July 16, 2004,04:56 p.m. Yesterday, I decided to embark on a reconciliation with my past. I visited my long-lost friend and loved one Emcee. You can only imagine her surprise when she saw me. She was ecstatic with delight as I told her about things that happened to me within those five years that we did'nt see each other. She was eager to tell all of our friends that I was still alive and well, but I stopped her from doing so. It would be really painful for me to meet up with past friends now. All I needed was her to remember me and know that I still exist. At least if I go down in flames, someone would still know I lived long enough to visit her again. Smiles, Emcee. You're still my little bumblebee.

Twin Immortal
Tuesday, July 13, 2004, 03:14 p.m. Whew, the strangest thing has happened to me last week. I know, I know. It's been quite some time since I last updated. Well, what can I say? It's been a stressful week. This is one of those weeks that make you think if life is worth living. The loss of one soul, gone like a spark... it's amazing, really. How fast a life just disappears from this world. Sometimes I wonder if this place is hell, and when we die, that's actually the release we get from this hateful world. I won't tell you what happened last week. All I can say is, it's one of the turning points in my life. Now I know why I'm here: to suffer for all the sins I have commited. Lost, lonely, tired and famished, left to wander alone. I hope someone pulls me out from this darkness, before it's too late. I'm just one spark. I can't hope to light the whole place up. Someday, my spark shall burn out, and I'll be forgotten. I just hope that won't be soon...

Ein Schatten
Tuesday, June 15, 2004,11:55 a.m. Haahh... just got back from the provinces. Y'know, it's kinda funny, 'coz everytime I go to the provinces, when I get back to the city, I tend to appreciate things more. Like RO, my band, and Magic: TG. Anyways, I gotta prepare for that documentary about the RWC. Hope someone would come to my aid soon... I can't do it alone.

First steps...
Thursday, June 10, 2004, 10:50 p.m. Well, this is the first of a thousand more entries I am gonna be making in this Blog. So far, I don't have enough time to write stuff that long, but I'm gonna be updating this. So, till the future calls!